Price of adulthood
by Rhaegal Nymeria Stark
Summary: There was a price for adulthood. Monroe was starting to understand that. She couldn't be a stupid kid that ran around drinking and doing whatever the hell she wanted. If she wanted to look after the people she loved, she had to grow up. And for that? She needed Niylah's help. Because Niylah understood Monroe's feelings when it came to Clarke better than anyone. Monarke, Niylarke


Disclaimer: Own nothing

Warnings for mentions of abuse, physical, sexual and verbal abuse mentioned, and PTSD, and violence.

**Price of adulthood**

Adulthood, as Monroe had quickly learned, was not fun. Sure, when she was a kid, she daydreamed as any kid would daydream. Kids pretended all the time. They played. They daydreamed. They imagined that they could be big, strong, smart, responsible and good at their parts in life like their parents were. Monroe hadn't been able to remember what her mother had done. So she had never imagine ever being like that woman. God, Monroe didn't even remember her mother's NAME, for shit's sake.

Her scumbag of a father never mentioned her mother's name. Never. Monroe didn't need a family therapist to know that her father had hated his wife. Then again, Monroe didn't even know if her parents had been married. For all she knew, she was a bastard.

She wouldn't have been even a little surprised.

Monroe's life had always been a fucked up one. Always. Physical abuse, verbal abuse. Threats of sexual abuse even. So when Monroe had run away? All that she had become acquainted with was freedom. Even in the underbelly of the Ark where drug deals were made, human trafficking ran rampant and other abuses existed, Monroe had found a place where she could exist. Because in those chaotic spaces? No one was going to care about a stupid, runaway kid from the southern side of the Ark, from the North American district.

Most of the districts on the Ark, the South American district, the Puerto Rican district, the Icelandic district, the Italian district, the French district, they all had their underground bellies. But Monroe didn't care about that. Just as long as she got away from her drunk father and his creepy friends.

Sure, she was a kid and would have been fair game for any human trafficker that decided she would be worth something. But she hadn't been careless when leaving her father's bunk. She had grabbed his switchblades before she had left, then run off.

Anyone that tried to come after her-and a few traffickers HAD indeed tried, she cut their hands with her blades.

Life had been hard. Difficult. Even unbearable at times. But Monroe wouldn't have given up her freedom for anything.

This was where a great deal of Zoe Monroe's daydreaming had come from.

Being exposed to many different types of merchants, drug dealers and criminals she more than one time had imagined herself in their positions. Being able to pull the strings. Being on top and strong and in control. She would sometimes imagine being one of those gang members who fought in the alleyways of the Ark. Different gangs from different parts of the districts. Sometimes she'd see North American gangs, sometimes when she went to the South American or the Chinese districts, she'd see different gangs there too. It was naïve to think that just because some districts were descended from countries that had been more rich than other countries, there weren't still gangs in those districts. Because there would always be poor people.

People who didn't get as much as everyone else.

This was where Monroe's childhood and her fantasies became especially dangerous.

When she finally was caught in the Japanese district, stealing food and put in a skybox, and then thrown down to the ground with the rest of the 100, that was when Monroe had been forced to grow up. But only later.

When she and the others reached the ground in the dropship, Monroe had come face to face with three very different people. Two of them spoke of making sure _everyone _came down from the Ark, alive, safe. They spoke of making sure people like Monroe were kept safe. Safe from harm.

Wells Jaha and Clarke Griffin wanted everyone safe. They wanted everyone to come down safe and alive.

Then there was the third of the three people that Monroe had seen. He was boasting about how they were better off on their own, saying that the Ark had thrown them down here, so they should die out too. When Monroe heard him give his hate inspiring speech, heard the conceit, she didn't see a villain or a monster like she should have. She saw everything she had imagined herself to be during her time in the underbellies of the Ark. She had seen every imagined scenario where she was a gang leader or a warrior for the gangs. Every fantasy where she had more power than she really did.

For that man, back then, she would have happily given up her soul. And as far as Monroe knew, maybe she had.

For who was Bellamy Blake, except the devil himself? What else would you call someone who wanted the rest of the human race to die out?

So she had joined his gang. They called it an army. But Monroe, being far more mature now, knew it for the joke that it was. Army? That really was a joke. A sick joke. No, what Bellamy had created hadn't been an army. It had just been a bunch of stupid kids running around, waving guns and knives.

When you were a kid, things like "gangs" seemed romantic almost. Legendary. Gangs were cool. Full of strong, muscled kids. The IDEA of a gang was where the romantic notion of them came from.

But gangs…the reality was that they were not for grown-ups. You weren't cool if you were in one of them. You were a piece of scum.

A criminal wasn't really hitting home what you were. Yes, if you joined a gang, then technically speaking, yes you were a criminal. But almost everyone on the Ark who had committed some crime were considered criminals, to be floated or to be locked up till they were at the age where they could BE floated eventually. Monroe and the others had just gotten lucky when they had been thrown down to the ground to see if Earth was survivable.

For that, Monroe knew that she didn't have a gang member, a thug like Bellamy to thank.

No, for her life, she now realized that she had an actual mature man to thank. She had Jake Griffin, Clarke's father to thank for her still being alive. If Jake Griffin, the top engineer hadn't found the flaw when he did and told his wife, Abby that he planned to tell everyone, then they wouldn't have been sent down here in the first place.

It had been a selfless, kind, gentle man, not a self-centered, ignorant, violent one that decided the best thing for everyone was the thing that suited him the best. A kind and gentle man had saved them. Not someone who decided that they should do whatever the hell they wanted and damn the consequences.

Jake Griffin had saved them through selflessness, not Bellamy Blake with his black hole of selfishness

When Clarke had told Monroe that her father had planned to alert everyone aboard the Ark of what was happening and so Thelonius Jaha had sent them down to Earth to test the ground, Monroe's perception of the ruling half of the Ark was challenged. Her perception of the powerful people on the Ark was forced to be questioned. WAS the more powerful part of the Ark all corrupt and greedy? Really?

Meeting Clarke and Wells, Monroe had to wonder.

So when Mount Weather fell, the lever having been activated by Monty Green and the lever being pulled by Clarke, and by Bellamy, all of the Mountain Men inside dying out, Monroe was left with a realization when she found out who had pulled the lever.

Yes, Bellamy had pulled the lever with Clarke, but only after seeing that Octavia was about to be shot by the mountain's guards.

Bell saw everyone in the mountain, all of HIS people about to be brutally killed by the Mountain Men, and he was still willing NOT to pull the lever. He didn't want to sully his conscience. Because he didn't want to FEEL guilty, he would have left his people to die. It took seeing one person, his sister being threatened for him to pull the lever.

Clarke? Clarke saw everyone in the mountain, about to be murdered and drilled out for bone marrow, and she had decided instantly what she had to do, even though she knew it would haunt her for the rest of her life. She had allowed herself to take a beating from her conscience. No, not a beating, she had allowed herself to be tortured by her conscience, actually tortured, emotionally, for the sake of her people.

Clarke had sacrificed everything for them. Monroe knew because Monty had told her when they were out of the mountain and decided to flee for the City of Lights.

Monty had told everyone everything. How Clarke had decided from the beginning that opening up all the doors to the mountain was the only way of saving their people. How Bellamy had tried to dissuade her from doing it. How he only did it when he saw that Octavia was about to be shot by the guards.

Monroe knew that Monty would never lie. Especially not about something like this. Clarke Griffin had saved them all. She had been planning to as soon as she saw that there was no other choice. She would have done it, despite how many people it killed. And she did it for them. For HER. For Monroe, Clarke had become a mass murderer.

But Bellamy? The same man that said that he cared about "the people," that he would stop the privileged? The same man that claimed he stood for the downtrodden?

What had he done? He had been ready to do nothing. Absolutely nothing. He had been ready to let his people die in the mountain.

He had been ready to leave them to die, all so that he didn't have to feel guilty about killing the Mountain Men. The Mountain Men, now that Monroe had more contact with Grounders like Lincoln-Niylah, a trader at a post they had run into and other Grounders they had picked up along the way, she knew that the Mountain Men were mass murderers. They oppressed the whole world of the Grounders, taking their children, their mothers, their fathers, their brothers and sisters and friends.

These were the people that Bellamy would have let Monroe and everyone else they knew die for?

These were the people that he had grown attached to and wouldn't have stopped? The people who he would have allowed to kill everyone he claimed he'd protect, but only pulled the lever when he saw that Octavia was about to die?

So after months and months of Bellamy proudly claiming that he was one of the people, that he would protect them from the higher ups, he couldn't even do what was needed against people who weren't even of the Ark. People that would have slaughtered every last one of them.

Bellamy was no leader. Monroe knew that now. He might have been their leader officially. But he was not their leader. Monroe knew that now. She was mature enough to know now. She was mature enough to know the difference between an official title and someone who was born to be a leader. Someone who killed for his own gain, but not for his people, was no leader.

Clarke? Wells? They were born leaders. It wasn't just that they had been born of the privileged. That wasn't it. They were born leaders because they were willing to do whatever it took to save their people. They were born leaders because they believed in humanity. They were born leaders because they were willing to stain their souls with blood FOR their people. Not for their own gain.

Monroe wasn't a child anymore. She had learned a harsh lesson that day after the mountain when they had fled and Monty had told her and the others everything he had seen in the control room when the lever was pulled.

She was an adult now.

The sad part was that it wasn't entirely the Mountain Men's fault. They had a big part in it. But it hadn't just been them. The biggest part had been on Bellamy's hands.

The person she thought she could trust most, had turned out to be a coward. A self-centered traitor who only killed for his sister.

Wells, Monroe was sure, if he had been in the control room with Clarke, would have pulled the lever instantly too. And Monroe wasn't even surprised when Monty had told her that Clarke had decided the lever quickly when she had seen that her people were doomed.

Clarke and Wells were real leaders.

The part of Monroe that had grown up had to come to terms with that. In their presence, she was face to face with true leaders. She was face to face with the true king and queen of their people when she was in their presence.

Not nobility from blood, but from the nobility of their souls.

It was cheesy and Monroe knew that, but when she had first met Niylah and had described it that way, Monroe couldn't think of any better way of describing it.

It was then that the feelings that Monroe realized she had been burying for some time now were no longer going to stay that way. Her feelings for Clarke…they had been there fore some time now. Long since before the mountain. Monroe had never voiced them because she had never thought Clarke would return the feelings. How could she?

She was the princess of the Ark. Monroe was a nobody. Had practically been raised by the criminal underworld of the Ark.

Monroe had never thought herself worthy of Clarke's attention. It was why when Monroe realized what she was starting to feel back when the Grounders first started attacking, Monroe never talked about it. At the time she suspected, or hoped that the feelings would fade. They didn't. In fact, Monroe's feelings for Clarke had intensified. From when the Ark came crashing down and Monroe witnessed Clarke crying herself to sleep, thinking her mother was dead, to hearing Clarke's confession to Finn and Wells that she still loved her mother even though Abby was disgusted with her bisexuality, to their time with the Grounders and Monroe seeing Clarke thrive in an entirely different culture, to living next to her in Ton DC and seeing the ruthless, almost frightening, but magnificent leader that Clarke became and seeing her defy her mother and terrify a Mountain Man, to the catastrophe at the mountain itself, to traveling to the City of Lights, to now, Monroe's feelings had grown and they were now so, so powerful.

Monroe knew that it was childish and stupid, or it would have been childish and stupid to the person she had been before the mountain, before her many lessons. The person she had been back then, that had seen war as glory and had seen gangs as cool, would most likely have had a childish, black and white view of the world. And she would have seen soft and romantic things like passionate love as weak, stupid and useless.

She didn't understand then what she understood now. She understood now that the capability for great love wasn't weak. It was a strength. If it wasn't for the capability for great love, then Clarke would never have been able to pull that lever and save all of her people. She never would have the strength needed to pull it, knowing it would doom an entire race of people and force herself to live with the torment of her actions.

Monroe knew what she had been denying for almost a year by the time she, Clarke, Wells, Monty, Raven and the others fled the Trikru's land and trekked across North America to the boats that they took to the City of Lights.

She knew that she was in love with Clarke Griffin. And she found out eventually that she wasn't alone. Niylah, the Grounder that had joined them, the trader and healer, was also deeply in love with Clarke. Monroe and Niylah were siblings in secrecy and courtship, apparently.

Niylah was in love with Clarke. So was Monroe. They had found each other, despite knowing one another already and spending time together in the City of Lights. Niylah had confronted Monroe about Monroe's deceit when it came to getting closer to Clarke, without Clarke realizing Monroe's motives. In hindsight, Monroe realized how childish her decision had been when she had pretended that she couldn't read.

It had been childish, because Monroe knew that it had been selfish. Not only had she wanted to keep all of Clarke's time for herself, but there were others that really didn't know how to read and needed lessons. Not just some Grounders, but a pitifully great deal of many Ark people didn't know how to read because they couldn't afford education.

Monroe realized after a time, a few months after Niylah had confronted her about her deceit, that during that time, she had been just as selfish as Bellamy. She had decided to take advantage of what little people knew of her and had used it. And she had monopolized someone's time for her own selfishness.

If there was ever a living example that young Zoe Monroe could think up off the top of her head of what kind of adult NOT to be, it was Bellamy Blake.

And she had acted just like him months ago. Lying. Taking advantage, all for her personal gain. And she had taken away attention from people who actually needed reading lessons.

It wasn't a pleasant thing for Monroe to realize. Understanding in that month that she had regressed back to a self-centered child hadn't been easy. She had gone through several days of self-disgust and regret.

She had made a promise to herself then and there as well. She would never behave in any way like that again. Or she would try not to. If not for her sake, then for everyone else's. And especially for Clarke's.

It was then that Monroe was even more grateful for Niylah's presence.

Monroe didn't want to rely on anyone else for her lessons in being a good adult. In being mature and being able to contribute things to the rest of the group. But despite that, Monroe was happy that Niylah was here. Niylah understood her. And because of that, Monroe eventually asked Niylah to help teach her in being better at utilizing the resources they had the way Grounders did.

Niylah, to Monroe's relief, accepted. If anything, she seemed pleased to be asked. Monroe had never been really positive about why Niylah had been so pleased by the request. Maybe it had been because she was happy another "ignorant Sky Person" was asking to be taught Grounder ways, or maybe it was because she was pleased that someone who loved Clarke as much as she did was willing to learn more about Grounder ways than the ways of the people who had thrown them down to Earth.

But Monroe had a theory that both those reasons that she had come up with were wrong. No, when Monroe saw the way that Niylah looked at Clarke across the streets of Limerick, Ireland, or the way they looked at her at the tables they sat at when they were eating one of their daily meals, Monroe knew what the reason was, or had a good guess.

Her guess was that Niylah liked the hunt as much as Monroe did. It was a very sinister reason, yes. Even though both of them were in agreement that they would never force Clarke into anything, they were not going to dispute the truth. They were hunting Clarke. It was not a pleasant thing to realize when Monroe thought about being a good person for Clarke. A good match wouldn't enjoy hunting the woman that they were in love with, right?

But it didn't change, Monroe realized that even though she was deeply in love with Clarke Griffin, she was also enjoying pursuing her. And Niylah was enjoying it too. It was like two wolves stalking their prey. But this was no deer or lamb they were stalking. This was another predator like them. This predator was strong and fast and intelligent. She hunted her prey with deadly accuracy and ruthless force. This predator had killed a whole mountain of deer that threatened another land full of dumb Trikru deer.

This predator was no lamb, pig, deer, calf or goat. This predator wasn't even a lion or lioness. Lions, from what Monroe had read of them, were actually kind of wimpy if there was just a few people that ganged up on them with rocks in their hands.

This predator was no wimpy lion or lioness. Nah. This was a leopard. Cunning, fast. Almost an invisible threat. One no one would realize was dangerous till, they were trussed up in a tree, getting their insides ripped out and dangled from the branches.

Monroe wasn't going to deny that she might be somewhat of a mangy wolf. Physically speaking, she knew she was completely healthy. Even though she had slept her fair share around, she always got herself checked out either on the Ark at the facility or here on the ground after having sex and so she knew, STI speaking, she was perfectly clean, but when it came to being not very rough? She wasn't sure that she could say that she had a totally "clean bill of health." She was a wolf that had had a rough and abusive upbringing.

And sure, this wolf was ready to settle down, the leopard it was pursuing was always just out of reach, in a branch somewhere, looking down at her with glittering, distrustful eyes.

But this wolf would do anything for the leopard. And that included rolling over and showing her belly to an older and smarter wolf, who knew more about being a desirable mate and a mature adult than Monroe ever would. So she would gratefully ask for and accept Niylah's help. The two of them were practically pack mates now. Fellow wolves. They couldn't climb trees. Wolves, as far as Monroe knew, couldn't climb trees. So they're only option was try to coax the leopard down from the tree branches where she was hiding.

And Monroe for that, appreciated the help of a wiser and older wolf.

Their courtship of Clarke would need a lot more maturity than Monroe had been capable of, so someone who knew more in the ways of serious relationships was needed.

And Monroe was glad for it. She had thought she would be jealous of Niylah's presence, threatened by how much smarter and more charming than her Niylah was. But to her own surprise and relief, she was not. She felt comforted with Niylah around. Because Niylah had a better idea of what to do than she did. Monroe was used to quick and easy and running off afterwards. Just because she was ready to settle down, didn't mean she knew HOW to settle down.

If Niylah was to be her teacher, Monroe would happily scarf up all the scraps of teachings that the older had to give. Niylah was Monroe's teacher and their intended mate was their prey, leopard or not.

Amongst the lessons Monroe wanted to learn about being better at being a Grounder and offering up resources to their group, was weaponry works. Niylah had pointed out that Monroe already had a gun and knew how to aim well with it. But as Monroe pointed out, Grounders were always complaining about how guns ran out of ammo. So Monroe supposed the best way of fitting in was adapting to Grounder ways.

She chose to adapt for the same reason she knew she had to grow up. Because she had Bellamy to thank for what kind of example for a grown up human she shouldn't be.

Because Bellamy Blake would never adapt to a culture that didn't fit in with his narrow minded view of the world.

And if Monroe had learned anything, it was that she should aspire to NOT be like _him._

So she would adapt. She would grow. And more importantly, she would grow up.

Lessons were harsh. Especially when the person you admired like she had admired Bellamy when she and the others had first come down to Earth.

But he was off the pedestal now that she had put him up on. She saw him for the coward and the worthless, rigid waste of space he was.

Someone who stubbornly refused to offer up anything for society, when he knew that that society needed help, deserved no loyalty or admiration.

Then there was Monroe herself. She knew she had to contribute. She knew she had to adapt. That was part of growing up. And she would do it. So she had taken each of Niylah's lessons to heart. Archery, tracking, hunting, cooking. You wouldn't think cooking was such a valuable lesson, but it was. In a world where food could come and go at the drop of a hat, it was valuable to know how to cook your own meals if no one else was around to do it for you.

Now, in present day, Monroe was sure, she was more than sure that Clarke knew that she and Niylah were both pursuing her. Clarke had known for a while now that Niylah had feelings for her and knew that the older woman was pursuing her. But Monroe was sure now that Clarke had caught onto her too.

Monroe could see it every now and then during a reading lesson or during a training exercise or when Clarke was playing with one of the newborn children they were raising here in the city of Lights.

Monroe could see it in the other young woman's eyes when they met each other's gazes. Monroe could see it in those beautiful blue eyes. Clarke knew that Monroe and Niylah were chasing after her.

So the leopard knew to stay close to the trees where she could jump up into the branches safely and get away from the wolves.

But that was why Monroe needed Niylah's help. She needed an older wolf's help to be able to coax the leopard down.

Now in the primal dance that Monroe, Niylah and Clarke were playing with each other in present day Limerick, Ireland, in the City of Lights, Monroe knew that she needed to be as mature as she could in order to prove that she was a worthy enough mate to Clarke.

Monroe had certain doubts about her worthiness. After all, she was a street thug. A runaway and a lowlife on the Ark. And while Clarke might have technically been Ark royalty, that wasn't the only reason why Monroe knew she wasn't worthy of Clarke's attentions. Clarke was the most selfless person Monroe knew besides Monty, Wells and Raven. Clarke had saved them so many times. Clarke would give her life in a second for them if it meant saving all of them. In Clarke's eyes, her life was never above any single one of theirs.

Monroe didn't know how she would ever be deemed worthy of Clarke's love. But she'd be damned if she wouldn't try to improve herself and show that she was as good a mate as Niylah was.

That was why her alliance with Niylah, as it were, she realized was so important. Niylah was her mentor. Her teacher when it came to showing her how look after their shared dearest one.

But it was this realization that made Monroe understand that she had and was still willing to pay the price for her knowledge. She was willing to pay the price for growing up for her Clarke. She was willing to pay the price for adulthood. The ultimate price for adulthood was innocence. And what followed innocence? Pride. Foolishness. Ignorance. She had to give all these up to gain the knowledge she needed from Niylah. And she continued to give those up every day.

There was a beauty and nobleness in giving this all up, Monroe understood. She wasn't giving up her stupidity and childishness up just for herself, even though it was partially for herself. She was doing it also for Clarke. She wanted to take some of the burden off of Clarke's shoulders. She wanted to relieve the other girl of her pain. Even if it was only a little of the pain. No one else besides Wells, Atom, Monty, Raven, Niylah and Sterling and some of the other Grounders that had come with them to Limerick were willing to take some of the burden off of Clarke's shoulders. So Monroe knew that she needed to step up.

She had to take some of the stress off of her and Niylah's beloved Clarke. She had to be an adult. She had to take some of the stress off of Clarke's shoulders. If three actual adults, Bellamy, Abby and Kane weren't willing to do it, then Monroe knew she would.

She could be an adult and prove that she could be a leader too. A warrior.

She could prove that this runaway who had been expected to amount to nothing except to be a pickpocket, a thief, a liar and a scoundrel. She could prove that she could be selfless. That she could be a hero. She could prove that she could protect Clarke from the pain, the stress, the exhaustion and the trials that this world had put her through out of sheer uncaring and hate.

Monroe turned and looked at Niylah, who was sitting across from her at the large, long, wooden dining table in the city square, right next to the big, stone fountain. Their eyes met, green meeting brown.

Between them, ran their silent agreement. Niylah nodded, smiling. Monroe grinned gratefully. Their lessons were ever ongoing. Niylah was her teacher, but also her friend. If anyone in the entire group that came here to the City of Lights would understand Monroe's feelings for Clarke, then it was Niylah. And Niylah, to the braided Ark girl's surprise, actually had seemed to be pleased with finding out Monroe's feelings. Intrigued, really. Niylah had put it rather devilishly one day when she and Monroe were hunting together and trying to track down a wild deer. In Niylah's own words, it was intriguing to see a deer try to flee two hungry wolves.

It had taken a moment for Monroe to figure out what it was that Niylah had meant. And when she had, she had almost gaped at Niylah. She was sure that if anyone else had heard what Niylah had said and had understood the meaning, they might find Niylah's words somewhat disturbing…one might say, predatory even.

Monroe was sure "predatory" might actually be very fitting. For them both. When Monroe and Niylah had successfully brought the dead deer back to the others and Clarke had praised them, Monroe had shrugged and said, smiling, that she and Niylah were both very good at hunting down prey. Monroe had watched the reaction from Clarke. As Monroe watched, she could see the realization dawn on Clarke's face, and that realization turned to apprehension, unease and then suppressed desire.

Monroe watched as Clarke swallowed and the braided girl could practically sense Clarke's repressed need.

Monroe had fought the desire to pin Clarke to the stone wall behind the older blonde. She had wanted nothing more and still wanted nothing more than to dominate Clarke and get rid of all of Clarke's pain, stress, shame, guilt and fear.

The only way for Clarke to alleviate herself of all her agony, was if she gave herself permission to do that. And the only way for her to do that was if she was told by someone else that she had that permission. That she didn't have to carry it all alone.

There were people who were more than happy to allow Clarke to carry it all alone. In fact they saw Clarke as a convenient pack mule that could carry it all and who cared if Clarke's back broke again and again as she carried it all for everyone else? She could handle it. And if she couldn't? Too damn bad. Better her than anyone else.

It made Monroe seethe when she thought about it. Abby Griffin, Clarke's biological mother. Someone who was supposed to protect Clarke every chance she got. Kane, the fucker who was supposed to be the next chancellor and do everything he could for the next generation. And HIM. Monroe hated him. Had come to loathe him every time she thought of how weak he really was. But she knew that part of her hatred of him came from her not seeing him for the disgusting, pathetic rodent he was. Him. Bellamy Blake. The most cowardly adult she had ever met and she hadn't even realized it.

The adult piece of shit that acted like a goddamn baby. Unable to take responsibility. Had been willing to leave her and all the other 100 and other Sky People to die in the mountain, all so he didn't have to FEEL bad over getting his hands dirty. Sometimes a leader had to do awful things to protect their people. But he hadn't been willing to do that. He wasn't a leader. Monroe knew that now. Bellamy Blake was not a leader. Never had been and never would be.

So Monroe had to be the strong one. For the woman she loved. She and Niylah had to be strong for the woman that bound them together. For their beloved, Monroe knew that she could be as strong as solid steel.

For Clarke, Monroe would throw away all her childishness, her ignorance, her pride, her innocence, her weakness. All of it. Monroe had realized when Clarke had announced that she was leaving, getting out of America where all the tribes were and was offering to take along anyone who wanted to go with her, that she had had a choice to make. And Monroe had made that choice. She had known when she had seen Clarke stand up there on the rock in the middle of two trees, making the announcement to everyone, that yes, she was willing to do anything to keep Clarke safe. To make her happy. To make her feel loved. To take away the pain that Clarke experienced every day, haunted by her actions.

Clarke had realized her feelings awhile ago. And when Clarke had gone into the mountain after the rest of her people, Monroe had followed, knowing that she could not leave her princess. Even when Monroe had been captured by the Mountain Men, thanks to the traitorous Commander, Monroe knew she would do anything for Clarke. Anything. And Clarke, Monroe realized after Mount Weather, _was _a princess. It wasn't just that Clarke was by blood Ark royalty, it was that Clarke was just noble. She was just so good. So selfless. She was like the princesses of fairytales that a knight needed to go through trials for to be deemed worthy to ask for the lady's favor. It was stupid and unimaginably childish. Monroe had known that even then. But now Monroe knew that for such favor to be expected was in itself, childish.

It didn't matter how many trials Monroe passed, Clarke would owe her nothing. Monroe was not entitled to anything of Clarke's. And Monroe knew that now. She had known it right after the mountain too, but she knew it even more now. Monroe could move actual mountains for Clarke and she would be entitled to nothing of Clarke's, much less Clarke's body or heart. If Clarke chose her, it would be because Monroe had proved herself as worthy by other means. And even if she had then? Then Monroe still would not be entitled to anything of Clarke's.

But Monroe knew, with a strange exhilaration, that even though Clarke might not choose Monroe, Monroe was okay with that. It didn't change that she knew that she'd still do anything and everything for Clarke, over and over again. Not because she thought she'd get anything out of it. But because she WANTED too. Because she could. Because it was what was right.

It was a strange exhilaration Monroe had felt when she had understood this. It was an exhilaration so strong that it had practically embedded itself in her bones.

Maybe it was just her giving herself a pat on the back for coming as long a way as she had from that self-centered runaway kid who only looked out for herself and fell in with the wrong crowd as soon as she had come down to Earth and had been intrigued by the dictator like charisma of Bellamy Blake, and had now grown into a more or less responsible adult, but she was sure that she had good reason for feeling as excited as she had that day.

She had known then that yes, she would in fact go across the sea. She would leave America with Clarke. She would follow Clarke anywhere. Not out of idolism and blind, stupid loyalty like she had just been so willing to do with Bellamy when she had first heard him open his mouth.

But out of love.

Maybe idolism was considered more grown up than love was. But Monroe didn't think that that was the truth. Idolism was what caused fools to follow dictators and tyrants blindly. Idolism was what caused groupies to follow the objects of their affections ass over teakettle into a fucking volcano and not even care.

Monroe knew her reasons were not blind loyalty or idolism. She had followed Bellamy not out of love. But out of idolism. Because she had been blind. And didn't care where she might end up because she had been sure that she would get something out of following the full-grown man that used children as soldiers. Maybe some sort of prize. Some sort of badge of honor for her services to him.

But this? This was different. This was so different and Monroe knew it. This, Monroe had realized when they had reached the Floukru's harbor and had gotten a ship, was pure. Not self-involved like Monroe's loyalty to the oldest Blake sibling had been. She had wanted something out of that. Had been promised something out of that. Bellamy had known how to manipulate a child. Knew how to spin his offer of power and make it seem genuine. But it was all a parlor trick. A scam. Bellamy Blake was a con man.

And there was no honor or dignity or selflessness in willingly following a con man.

No, Monroe had no interest in following anyone, for illusions or for greed and ambition.

She wanted to better herself. She wanted to grow up. She wanted to prove she could be better than who she used to be. Realizing that she loved Clarke, and realizing that she would go anywhere for Clarke, not for idolism or for blind stupidity, but just for love's sake, it had changed Monroe. That was something that the braided girl was sure of. She was changed by these realizations. And that was when, after learning from Niylah months and months ago that the older woman was also in love with Clarke, that was when Monroe had not felt jealous, but reassured. For if anything happened to her, then Niylah would be there to protect Clarke. And it had been then that Monroe's pride had been forced aside. Because it had been then that Monroe had realized that if she ever wanted a future with Clarke, should Clarke choose her, Monroe would need to better herself enough to be a good, charming and responsible mate. So Monroe had willingly learned from Niylah's lessons.

Part of growing up was realizing when you weren't good enough and being willing to learn.

And Monroe had certainly been willing to learn after understanding her love for Clarke. A pure love, she realized.

A love that she realized probably was thought by cynics to be nonexistent. The kind of love that only existed in fairytales. But she felt it. Felt it so strongly for Clarke. This was true love. Or as close as Monroe would ever get to feeling true love for someone.

She also knew that no matter what happened and even if Clarke betrayed her in some way, she never wanted to love anyone else.

Maybe loving someone else would be less painful. But even if it was, Monroe didn't want to be in love with anyone else. So began her journey into adulthood. Not that pathetic, fake one she thought she had obtained when she had happily been the good, little, obedient soldier for the dictator she had fawned over when she had first come down in that dropship almost two years ago. But a real adulthood. A earned adulthood.

This adulthood would not be earned with the blood of hundreds of innocent Ark people that just happened to inconvenience Monroe in any way, as they had apparently, according to Raven, had inconvenienced Bellamy. Which had been why he had thrown the radio in the river in the first place and gotten 300 people killed. Monroe really had to wonder if he even regretted that.

Monroe would earn this adulthood through maturity. Through patience. Through knowledge. Through advice and kindness.

It was why, now that Clarke, Wells and Del were cleaning up in the kitchens and bringing out the dishes to put on their shelves, the leftovers put back in the fridges of the kitchen area in the town square, Monroe had taken to as many chores as she could. Clarke glanced out of the doorway of the kitchen house at Monroe who was now cleaning up the table, rubbing a rag across the wood of the eating space.

Monroe could feel Clarke's eyes on her and fought a smile. She knew Clarke knew what was going on. She knew that Clarke knew her and Niylah's game. But there was no point in being worried about it. Monroe was not disturbed by Clarke knowing. If anything, she was calmed by knowing that Clarke knew. Clarke most likely was expecting the "other shoe to drop." She was most likely expecting Monroe to say that Clarke owed her something, like Finn and Bellamy thought she owed them something for being nice to her.

Or to betray her, the way Anya and Lexa had.

Monroe was going to do neither. She was going to stay loyal till she died. And she expected nothing in return for her loyalty. Because anyone who truly loved another person would never expect anything in return for their love.

Clarke stepped down from the doorway in the kitchen and spoke to Jasper and Monty. Monroe could feel Clarke's eyes jump occasionally to her. Monroe tried not to smirk. Clarke really had nothing to worry about. But she understood Clarke's unease after finding out about Monroe's feelings and Niylah's feelings.

Monroe heard footsteps coming closer to her and she looked up to see Niylah walking over. Niylah nodded to Clarke. "Is she alright?" Niylah asked in Trigedasleng.

Monroe chuckled, nodding back and answering in Trigedasleng herself. "Sha. She's fine. Just a little nervous, per usual." One of the many things that Monroe had decided to learn had been Trigedasleng. She would be educated. Worldly. Unlike Bellamy and his pathetic pawns. She would expand her interests from JUST power and throwing her weight around.

That was yet another part of being an adult.

It was learning more. Exposing yourself to more. Monroe could do that. She didn't know why some of her people were so opposed to it. As far as she could tell, it was just because of pride. And pride, as Monroe had realized over time, was a worthless emotion. Sure, it was a nice thing to have, but in the long run, it meant nothing. Especially when it hurt someone more than helped them.

Swallowing her pride and learning from someone who had at one time been what Monroe had considered "the enemy," had been far more fulfilling than she had suspected it would be.

She had learned so much from the older woman.

"Ready to patrol?" Niylah asked her strictly. Monroe nodded.

"We should alert Klark first." Monroe said. Niylah nodded and Monroe picked up the filthy and caput rag off the table and brought it over to the kitchen's doorway. Clarke watched the two of them pass cautiously, turning back to Monty and Jasper every now and then.

Monroe went into the kitchen and tossed the rag into the sink. Sterling laughed at her and grinned about adding to his load of work and Monroe laughed back, "get over it."

Sterling's eyes followed Monroe's gaze to Clarke and nodded, no judgment on his face. Monroe smiled at her best friend. That was one of the many things Monroe was grateful. Sterling, her best friend had refused to leave her when Monroe had decided to follow Clarke to the docks of the Floukru. He had stayed with her. And when he had discovered Monroe's feelings, what had Monroe gotten from him, when she had expected teasing and mockery? No judgment. None. He had just nodded in understanding and told her good luck and that she could talk to him about it if she ever needed to.

Monroe grinned at Sterling as she and Niylah left the kitchen. What she would do without Niylah, Sterling and Clarke, Monroe didn't know. She was totally grateful for them.

Monroe stepped out of the kitchen and told Clarke that she and Niylah were going on a patrol. Clarke nodded and thanked them. She told them, uneasily, Monroe could tell, that she was very grateful and that she owed them.

Monroe frowned and told Clarke, very seriously that Clarke owed no one anything. No one. "And you don't owe the two of us anything either, Clarke." Monroe said strongly, seeing Clarke look confused by this.

Niylah added, smirking, "You owe us nothing, Klark kom Skaikru. Is there anything else we can do besides patrolling?"

Troubled, Clarke shook her head. "No," She answered, "It's fine. Just go about patrolling for a while. Then come back and tell us that you're going to turn in for the night." Clarke must have seen the possible innuendo she had just stepped into, because she tensed as soon as she said it.

But Monroe wasn't going to torture her. She smiled and nodded. "Alright. Good to hear. We'll tell you as soon as we get back."

Niylah nodded, "Sha. Till then, Klark."

Both Monroe and Niylah left Clarke looking after them as they left for patrol. Monroe and Niylah shared a smirk as they departed.

They would do everything for Clarke. And would ask for nothing in return. Should they ever be told by Clarke what it was they could do that might get her to open her heart to them, they would do it. But if not, if there was no chance, then Monroe and Niylah would continue to serve her. They were her swords, her weapons and her knights. And Monroe knew, with that same strange exhilaration, that she would never demand anything of Clarke. For her love for Clarke, Monroe realized, she would be happy to move mountains and not ask for anything in return, because she knew that being a true leader, a true adult meant never asking for anything in return. And Monroe was happy to grow into that part, for Clarke.

**Author's note-so just a little journey into adulthood from Monroe's perspective. Could you just smell the corn in this whole story? Really corny, right? But hoped you liked it.**


End file.
